I have been struggling. Struggling with feelings of agitation and irritation, struggling with thoughts racing, repeating. Old thought patterns resurfacing, ruminating on situations. For some reason I did think that all of this would be gone and I would never again struggle in this way. I thought that awakened meant those things would be lifted completely and forever.
That’s not true, you knew. You knew you would struggle again. You know the truth within. As long as you are living this human life you will have struggle. Your mind will cause issues and try to take over once again. It doesn’t just disappear, The change comes completely from your ability to ride the waves of life and remain n a place o non-reactivity. Whatever that means. Whether it is staying calm where you used to be so quick to anger or choosing a healthy path where you used to choose the unhealthy path or slipping into a depression and going deep into the darkness of the mind as you used to do. When you look at these things now you realize how awakened your truly are. You will struggle, the struggle does not go away completely. The mind will cause problems as that is one of the constructs of the mind. You can gauge your progress by your ability to shake it off and remain in a place of knowing. Doing the things and making the choices that assist in you feeling better.
This is the journey that does not end until you take your last breath and then it is something new. Release your desire and your need to be back in the place where you were in complete peace and silence. You are hanging on so tightly to that time in your life and it is causing you pain and suffering. You are wishing to recreate this moment in your life and that will never happen. You are entering a new time and things are different. As you already know it is simply another opportunity to grow and expand in this way on this new part of the journey. Remember the truth as you know it, the mind will create worry, fear, anger. You simply roll with these emotions with no attachment to why they are there or what you can do to get rid of them. That is control. Just see them, view them as simply a moment in time. You don’t even have to view them as opportunity in that moment just let them ride in and ride out.
As always it is simply your own attachments to what you think should be happening in the moment rather that what is. It is the attachment that causes you pain. It is simply a new attachment to the awakened, peaceful mind that you are attached to now. Even that you must let go. As you continue to grow and expand and become you have to let go all along the way. Let go of who you think you are at this point of the journey. It is simply new opportunities to surrender in it all. As you know there is no pinnacle that you are trying to achieve…it is all simply in the BEING with wherever you are in whatever moment that arises. This is your peace in the midst of disturbance. All of the projects, ideas and expectations that you are now placing on yourself are simply new modifications of the mind. It will grow in new ways and find other cracks to slip through and grow. The ego does not go away easily even when it feels as though you have broken through. In many ways it is insidious and will keep coming at you and working to take control once again. It is very easy to look at this as some bad, evil part however it is just doing its job, what it thinks it was created to do. Be in charge, protect, grow, consume, create. When you find yourself at these points in your life the very best thing to do is to seek silence and nature. Simply recognize all of this as it is, life. Life is a series of ups and downs beautiful awakenings and struggle. Even when you have learned to ride the waves sometimes the waves are bigger and rougher than other times. It is your need to calm the waves and control the waves that is creating your current situation of struggle.
That is all. It is as simple as that. Simply allow the waves to be what they will and ride them with as much grace as you can muster in any given moment. Give yourself an overabundance of love and rest in these times. As you step into this time of winter it is a time of reflection and rest. If you try to just push through without honoring the shifts that you are feeling you will create more resistance and more struggle. Listen. Listen to your body, listen to the Mother that is Earth and honor the ancient ways of being a human. When you ride and rise in this way you will find that peace and contentment even in this “busy” time of life that you find yourself. One day at a time…one step…one breath. There is no time frame set in stone for you, there is no expectation that you don’t place on yourself. Walk a little slower, take it easy, take it off and just allow the ride to happen.